Overwhelming My Mind

I used to think it's far worse to overwhelm the heart because the pain seems greater physically. I'd feel heavy in my breathing, and there's a tightening of my chest muscles. Of course, the actual heart would be fine. It feels like it's breaking into many parts, but it's not happening literally. Only the collateral damage that I've mentioned. Unfortunately, when you've experienced overwhelming of the mind on a constant basis, as much as it feels like an intense tingling in your head, the physical toll is nothing compared to what it really does to you as a person. Not that the physical aspect of it isn't important. It's just that there's a whole lot more being shred into pieces. The bleeding doesn't stop. I don't blame people allowing themselves to be addicted to prescription drugs to alleviate the trouble an overwhelmed mind goes through. The mental war gets real fast when you're at full capacity of what you can handle. I need to relax. I need more than a day. I need an escape.

Sheltering In Place

I never thought in my life I'd be living through a pandemic. It's supposed to be scary because the virus that's killing people has no antidote yet. And, that's why folks all over have been ordered to shelter in place. For someone like me, that's not scary at all because I'm most comfortable when I'm just at home and not battling the elements of the outside world on a daily basis. It feels like a new concept. It feels weird for the most part. You're restricted, but you're also in control since your home is your domain. You know how to operate your own. You're bound to say you got this. In reality though, the longer this order from the authorities stays, the sense that you're not the boss of your life is growing fast. I don't like having to stay in one place for a very long time. It's stressful. I hope this pandemic ends soon. I love being a homebody, but I need to be somewhere else every now and then.

Becoming More Productive

It's hard when you have a lot of time, but I have to turn this around. I have to make this abundance of free time work for me. I need ideas to keep myself going throughout the day. I have e-mails to respond to, books to read, a body to work out, two yards to clean up and other domestic stuff to take care of. But, they don't seem to be the things that would make me feel productive. I have to learn something new. What is it though? I'm pumped, but I don't know what I'm pumped up for. All I know is I have to start becoming more productive. It's urgent.

Delaying The Fun

Matt bought his long-awaited iPad 2 today. And, I think I was more excited about it than him. I was so excited that I even tried to delay the whole thing by telling him he should buy it after I go to the gym. That's my way of trying to contain myself because I know I wouldn't be able to stop playing with it once he gets it set up. This made me wonder about how I treat technology in general. When something is so innovative that it denies you of expressing your eagerness about it, you might be a little too hard on yourself. I know I was with this incident. I didn't want him to get it right away because of my preconceived notions of how I might react. I need to do a slight restructuring of my psyche when it comes to accepting progress to come into my life. This iPad 2 we can now play around with will not be the last of them to thrill us. With everyday being an opportunity to inch towards more complicated possibilities, I have to shake my emotions a bit. Maybe just embrace it when it happens. Stop worrying about my reactions. Fun is something I shouldn't delay. Ever.

Prioritizing My Passions

Taking a hiatus from the daily grind of a regular job does not allow one to lose track of whatever else is important in life. It gives an excuse to let go of a routine, but it shouldn't make one less focused. Passions are usually forever, so it's very easy to put them on the back burner. And, some people work on their passions in coordination with their usual lives. So, if their usual lives suddenly get strung out, these passions should remain prioritized and intact. That's one of my goals as I go through these hard days of trying to settle for a routine again. My passions have always been there with me. With or without anything to be busy with. So, I shouldn't sacrifice them that readily just because I'm having an indefinite period of vacation. That means I should continue reading books, planning stuff for our backyard, learning new dinner recipes and trying to speak a different language. That last one seems like a stretch since I can't claim it as a passion yet.

Selecting With Care

This year has already been an explosion of many opportunities for me, and it's only the last week of March. I know I have to be very careful of what I commit myself to since things are getting a little rougher for me on the financial side. I have to start making more than I have ever done so to keep up with the growing list of necessities in my life. I lost my car in an accident two weeks ago. I don't have enough of anything to buy a new one, so I will have to adjust to what I have right now. Thankful to Matt for absorbing some of the difficulties, but I know I should work doubly hard to make ends meet. I pray that I don't stay where I'm at by the end of the year. My choices in what activities I should be doing, what events I should be attending, which people I should be connecting with and which friends I should be reaching out to are to be selected with care. I can't afford to waste time when time's very precious for me right now. These opportunities keep on pouring in, but I can't catch all of them. For now, the selection process needs to be a little stricter.

Looking For Work

Not just any work. I want a real one. An office job is ideal. But, it's so hard to find one around here. I need to be more active, and I have to expand my search. Tomorrow, I'm signing up with a temporary employment agency in Danville to see what they can offer me. Wish me luck. I really hope this is not me wasting my time again. I pray that I get something from this by next week. I'm itching to get back to being a slave to someone. And, I want money so badly that I'd do just about anything now. Well, maybe not. Still craving to have that one office job I know I'll enjoy.