Leaving So Suddenly

I just lost my friend Paul. He died in his sleep last Thursday night. He was 68 years old. I believe I was the last person he saw because I was working at his house that afternoon. One of the many projects he and I had set up to do. I can't believe he's gone. I can't believe it was that sudden. Death has a way of making one understand things, but it also makes you wonder a lot about things that didn't seem to need any explanation before. I hope he's fine wherever he is. I hope I'm fine.

Eliminating The Unnecessary

Today's word is eliminate. That's what I'm planning to do. I will eliminate as much as I can, so I know what I have to work on when I start my little projects soon. Of course, I have to figure out what's unnecessary first. That's the key. Eventually, I will have to go through the things that aren't unnecessary but can easily be put on hold or replaced by something better. It's going to be a tough job, but I can do this. Let's go.

Knowing No Hurt

How true is it for my case that what I don't know won't ever hurt me? I really want to know.

Setting The Mood

You know what I really want to do in life? I want to write. Not sure exactly what I'd like to write, but it's something that gives me a tremendous amount of joy. I should investigate on it. It could be the start of something totally different. I need to set the mood. How do I do it?

Elevating The Rest

It saddens me to acknowledge the fact that I was not trained to be the one who claps his hands when someone close to me does something worth praising. I literally do that whenever a stage performance catches my full attention or automatically when someone of authority ends his or her speech. But, it's never when a boyfriend excels in life. Any aspect of life. It's weird. I know I've done it with my ex-girlfriend Analyn, but that's mainly because she made it obvious every single time that it's my duty to do so as a boyfriend. So, technically, it would have been just as dishonest. What is it about the partners I've chosen and the one I'm with right now that makes me act like I'm always in competition with them? And, even if I really am, can I not recognize their accomplishments when they present themselves? I have to start practicing how to give praise to the people I love. I don't want to lose them just because I'm too selfish to see what they can offer. Hold on. Not just the people I love. I want to bring out the best in everyone. It sounds like a monumental task, but it's doable.

Jumping The Moon

It's been over six months since I last posted anything on here. It's quite unsettling to realize that I've let go of so many chances for me to utilize this blog to accomplish what I've been meaning to have, and that is self-healing. When I started to write my thoughts last August, I believed I was on the right track. I wanted to attack what was most unnerving in my life at that time. I allowed myself to think that my love relationship with Matt was the most important thing to focus on. I dissected every little emotion I was going through. Most of these emotions leaned towards the negative side. I wasn't aware of the ramifications of that specific action. Analyzing my feelings in conjunction with every event that happened to us from the time we became an official couple led to a disease I'm desperately looking to cure these days. I understand that I'm not healed from anything that occurred before Matt. I admit that my current situation with Matt is a completely separate issue from all those things that I went through in past with other people. I know I created a new problem when I tried to use Matt as an excuse to forget old wounds. Now, I'm faced with tremendous pains. Some are from before him, and the rest is from my time with him. I do love Matt, and I want to make it work for us. But, it's crucial that I find remedy for the pains brought about by my bad decisions from many years ago prior to really giving this partnership a go. While working on that, I also have to start bringing back certain aspects of my life that I lost in the past year. Finding a job that I love doing and can take me to the financial stability I'm craving for tops the list of things I ought to look for. My enthusiasm for social work is another. Order has been a central theme in my life since I was a kid, and I know I lost that too. I feel like I can't achieve any of it because of the overwhelming intensity of the need, but I'm scared of the consequences of not caring. I need to care about myself. I need to restart the process of self-healing. I have to get things right. I did it before. I can do it again. The will has to be super strong this time because the rewards are simply astronomical.