Accomplishing Very Little

It's frustrating for me to simply go about my most relaxed days accomplishing practically nothing important. I appreciate the little tasks being checked off, but I expect that everyday anyway. I know I get those trivial things done even when I'm super busy. But, the case in point here is when I'm not running around like a headless chicken. Today is one of those days. But, I'm here spending my time whining about not making the most of it. Got to start telling myself that accomplishing very little is better than taking care of absolutely nothing. All right. This is it. I need to pick up something and start working on it.

Answering A Prayer

This is funny. Just a few hours ago, I was lamenting on Matt's decision to go back to smoking cigarettes. When he told me that this morning, one of the things I prayed for was for me to understand the situation. I was totally against him doing it again, but I know I'll never be in that position of authority over this aspect of his life. Well, fortunately, when he said he'd go out to buy some cigarettes, he actually went out but didn't buy anything. Now, the surprise didn't come to me until later when I noticed there weren't any pack of cigarettes anywhere downstairs and out in the backyard where he would normally smoke. So, I asked him. And, there it was. He said he didn't do it. So proud of him. Now, I feel bad for judging his strength from my last post. But, I'm really thankful a prayer has been answered. And, that was a fast one too.

Giving Up Easily

Matt decided to go back without much thought on his cigarette smoking today. Pretty disappointing for me, but I also told him I don't have anything against him doing it again. I guess I should be happy that he lasted, at least, a little over a week without having one cigarette. I can't really blame him. He doesn't have the will that I have when it comes to committing to quitting from something that's destructive to one's health. I just hope he's not escaping again. What I do want him to quit doing is giving up easily. As much as he seems to be the most patient person in the whole world because of his mellow demeanor, he sure can't wait long enough for progress to occur. Just a little over a week? Come on.

Anticipating More Issues

I have so much that I want to write about here, but I can't seem to get my mind organized. When I'm in bed and not sleepy yet, I can picture myself writing about so many topics that I know will be helpful to me if they're documented. But, I'm here now. And, I'm stuck. I don't know what to say. What I do know is I anticipate a whole lot more issues for me alone and in my love relationship with Matt than I should. If I don't think about them, I go crazy. It's perfectly fine to go crazy in small portions, but it's not the case with my anticipation. It gets heightened when I'm around him. And, it brings me to that feeling of not wanting to be with him. But, I know better. I can't do that. There's something about him being away from me physically that just seems wrong. Every bit of my being gets rattled. It all boils down to me not trusting him. I know this for sure. I hope to God this doesn't go on for long. I do want to enjoy having a boyfriend without the fear of being betrayed the way my ex-boyfriend Rusty did. Damn that boy. He scarred me well.

Being Completely Still

It's a hard skill to learn. It's even harder when you know moving is your life. I've always had that personality. The one that tells one muscle to another never to stay still. I do get lazy though. Don't get me wrong. But, even when I'm too lazy to do anything that involves motion, my heart and mind race nevertheless. And, I'd like to one day learn how to be completely still. Muscles, feelings and thoughts. Anyone out there who can teach me to do so?

Dealing With Yesterday

Reading those harsh comments from a message board regarding Whitney Houston's comeback as a singer made me realize the tragedy that substance abuse brings to one's life. As a recovering substance abuser, I understand that I'll always be labeled with it. Unfortunately, Whitney will have to suffer more because she's a famous person. What people need to know is that it's done. No one goes back once the true desire to return home sets in. Some do it again. But, those times you did it before can't be revisited. It's not for anyone to suggest it ought to be undone. Yesterday was a one-time thing. I'm very happy that I'm done with it. I'm happy that Whitney's back.

Fearing The Unknown

There's something about not knowing what will happen next that scares me to death. And, it's most apparent to me when it comes to love relationships. I can't seem to just let it flow. I have to get full control of what's in the future for me and the other person. I know it sounds ridiculous because no one knows for sure what might happen even one second from now. But, I'm a prisoner of this fear. I don't like it. It drives me crazy. I can't help it though. I'm bound to always suffer from wanting to know what I can't know.

Breaking The Cycle

Matt and I have had two really destructive fights this holiday weekend. I'm saying destructive because we've gone to that point during both encounters where we've sort of given up on one another. And, that always creates some irreparable damage in the way we handle our love. But, we've also come up with a solution. We understand better this time that we'll never be able to change each other. Also, we're just too stubborn to want to change for anything. So, the focus now is not to change each other or find the motivation to want to change for the other person. It's crucial that we end some bad communication methods we've been using as they feed the cycle. It's been pretty obvious before that we're comfortable with the cycle, but it doesn't lead us anywhere we really want to be as boyfriends. So, it's time to break it. Get something serious done soon. The cycle has to stop.

Ending My Week

I end my week on a Sunday. It's more practical to end it on a day where I usually won't be doing anything. In case I don't finish a few items from my list, Sunday's always there to maybe absorb some of the time I should have spent doing those unfinished tasks from the week before. I didn't write anything in the last couple of days on here because I was occupied with some issues with Matt. These issues seem to haunt me when I least expect it. For now, everything looks resolved. I don't know. I can never really tell with him. I'm trying my very best not to worry about anything this holiday weekend. Maybe I should just post this as it is. Not add anything more. And, I'll just come back when the new week starts. Tomorrow's Labor Day. That means the new week starts on Tuesday. I'm going to force myself to relax. I'll be back this Tuesday.

Killing Some Time

Generally, I'd say I used to be pretty bad with killing time when there's nothing important to do. I'd be online at some message board and basically go through every post from every thread. Even threads from years ago. And, there's really nothing interesting in any of the topics being discussed. It just felt right to stick my nose in for what people had to say about whatever. Two, five and even 10 hours would have passed, and I'd still find my right hand glued to the mouse of my computer. It's pathetic. These days, I have Facebook and other social networking web sites that are equipped with tons of cool applications that can eat up my days on end. Still pathetic. But, at least, I'm learning useful stuff when I play any of these. It exercises my brain. Plus, last night, I got back into knitting after attending a class I set up for my Brotherhood First group. Another way to kill time. Now, that's something offline. I'm moving up.

Making It Work

As much as I felt like a Wednesday earlier on a fuckin' Wednesday because of Matt being gone to work in the office for a big chunk of the day, I arranged today's schedule to include a ton of productive things. From folding my clothes to washing my car to meeting up with my friend Ronnie to walking Piper to the dog park to even paying all of my bills for this month, I'm set. But, I'm still sitting on my ass here past 2:00 pm. Something's terribly wrong with my motivation level. I know I can't keep doing this. Yesterday was pretty cool because Matt was with me all day as he normally works at home on Tuesdays. I need to keep convincing myself that Matt's physical presence is not a major factor to consider in how I should be motivated. Motivation should really come from within. I have to make this work. I'm getting up.

Confusing Myself More

Yesterday's post confused me even more about what's going on with me after I published it. I guess I can admit now that I'm truly stuck in a rut these days. I'm glad I feel better today though. My boyfriend Matt helped me a whole lot when he got home from work yesterday evening. It's always comforting when he shows his desire to talk about my problems. It gives me something to keep my faith in us. As for the signs I've been waiting for, they're not all here yet. But, I'm being patient. For now, I want to focus on staying calm and not jumping into conclusions. Tonight, we're having fried rice. I'm about to head out to buy the ingredients while he's out there taking our dog Piper to the dog park. Well, technically, it's his dog, but I'm now family to her according to him.